The Games Kids Play on Parents

Many years ago in a college Geology class, our professor advised us that the simplest, reasonable explanation for a natural phenomena was most likely correct. Of the myriad of games kids invent, as well as learn from their friends, to perpetrate on unsuspecting parents, they almost always reflect three simple, barely hidden, agenda items.

Kids necessarily must:

1) clarify your limitations, priorities, expectations, and your consistency in adhering to them;

2) protect their own self interests;

3) test the balance of power between parent and child. Very often the game, which like other games, has a pattern of play and a set of generally agreed upon rules, has implications for all three, but we can look at them according to their primary objective.

A. Kids must clarify your limitations, priorities, expectations, and consistency in adhering to them. I have organized this section into six kinds of questions kids must see if they can drive you crazy with to gain critical information about what you teach them.

1. Why? Why? Why; What? What? What?; Can I have one more?; Can I, Can I, huh?

These questions asked over and over and over again that test your patience: "Can I have three stories; twelve stuffed animals; play Mother-May-I; get a drink; have another drink; another hug, another kiss?", are games to test your patience. My advice is that you should be very patient, but when you finally reach your limit, very firm. You should communicate just like you finally do at bedtime--"Good night now; I love you."

2. Will my parents buy me Jordache jeans?

Kids aren't unlike adults. They have insatiable appetites for everything they see advertised on television, appetites that need to be curbed. When and wnat will you buy your child. My wife and I have some guidelines. Expensive toys are limited to birthdays and Christmas. Books are frequent, but limited to whether we have actual extra cash. If our child goes to the supermarket with us, she gets to pick out one item for consumption (sometimes gum, but more frequently string cheese). If my wife or I go on a trip, we bring home a gift. If our daughter needs something, like clothes, we simply take her to buy them, but tell her the limits of what we are willing to buy. If it's jeans and she wants Jordache jeans, but she doesn't need jeans, she must ask for them as a birthday or Christmas or trip gift, and she's at the age where she usually tells us she'd rather have a toy.

3. What's important enough to gain a parents' attention when they don't want to be disturbed but that won't get me in trouble?

The first gambit, of course, is "death-defying acts." Crawling up the fireplace and seemingly getting caught will gain immediate attention, but usually whether actually stuck in the fireplace or not, an unpleasant response from said parent. Special tricks, like juggling an apple, an orange, and a chair within your line of vision are more likely to work. And if the chair doesn't fall, it's a sufficiently remarkable feat to warrant your interruption. My daughter knows she can interrupt me to show me something special on one of her well chosen videotapes, or to ask me the meaning of a word, or to show me something special in a book. What can I say? By age of three she tested and found my priorities.

4. How far is the Cavalry?; Who is responsible for me?; Who will solve my problems?

We have a large, heavy, wood front door with a large brass handle. When my daughter was three she seemingly couldn't open the door. So one day she wanted out and called me to open the door and to both my surprise and hers I told her she could open the door and I wasn't going to do it for her. I had been tempted to come to her rescue like a chivalrous dad, and had suddenly realized that was an unfortunate tendency on my part. Well, she twisted the handle back and forth, but more for the noise she could make, rather than to actually open the door. She fussed, and protested she couldn't do it, and got teary, and got mad, and kicked the door (but not so hard she could feel any pain). And I laughed at her and appreciated her dramatics and didn't move. Finally, she opened the door and went outside. The Cavalry didn't need to come to the rescue this time and in fact needed to stay alert, but back at the fort.

"Johnny hit me" is a variation of this game. Recently my fiveyear-old daughter came to tell me our seven-year-old guest had taken her chair away from her to watch TV. First I asked her, as I usually do, if this wasn't a problem she could work out? She told me "no, he was too big," which in my mind was a reasonable possibility. However, instead of intervening prematurely as adults want to do, I suggested an equalizer. If he was sitting in the chair, he couldn't do much if she turned off the TV. It would be a stalemate until the older boy resolved the issue with my daughter. My daughter loved the idea and shortly ended the conflict.

A less serious version of this series of games is "I'm hot" (or thirsty, or hungry, or bored). What irritates me as a parent is that my child has not asked to roll down the windows, for a drink of water, Kids Play on Parents for something to eat, to play a game. When she makes such declaratory statements, she has only defined her condition and then waits to see who will do something about it. Our response is to ask her now that She understands her predicament, what is she going to do about it? Over and over again we want to communicate to her that we love her and will help if it seems right, but that she is responsible for herself.

5. How badly do I need to do this before someone else does it for me?

I myself have played this game so long about anything mechanical, I do not even own a tool. Someone must always fix things for me. For kids, the game is usually played in the context of chores. We did so badly, my mother finally gave up on us three children ever doing dishes and did them herself. You could argue the merits of chores, but in our middle-class condo where there aren't many: we want a clean bedroom, which we usually get; a clean playroom, which she does badly enough for me to redo; and for her to know that her most important job, as important as the work we are paid to do, and more difficult, too, is to "grow up to be a good person."

6. What will happen if I do this in public?

Sometime while your child is clarifying your limitations, priorities, and expectations, she realizes you aren't perfectly consistent. In trying to test your consistency the kid finds it's great fun to try the "home stuff" in public. Affectionately my daughter and I call each other "insulting" names like jerk nose and nut burger. So, lately she has loved calling me those names in feigned anger in public because she enjoys my dilemma. She knows absolutely that I cannot tolerate disrespect in public (what will they think of me as a father?), but that I was the author and willing participant in this charade of insults at home. I've been "clarifying" the differences between private and public and she's been enjoying my attempt to explain to her how I really am consistent even though it seems I'm not. She really already knows Emerson's dictum: "A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds."

B. Kids must protect their self interests

The point here is that kids, like adults, are always looking out for themselves, taking advantage of situations as they arise. Their list of complaints and allegations can be a formidable one, but ordinarily they are not covering up any remorses, psychoses, traumas, syndromes, acute anxieties, maladjustments.

Some of the more popular permutations are as follows:

--I'm bored.

--You love so and so more than me.

--Danny's parents let him.......

--All the other kids get to.

--That's not fair!

--How come you do, but I can't.

--Look at me! Look at me!

--You're so mean!

--Just one more.

--I don't love you!

None of these assertions, even when made with great conviction, drama, flair, even tears can ordinarily be taken at face value.

"I'm bored" usually means the child is transitioning out of one activity and trying to choose another from many suitable alternatives. However, if they can get you to feel guilty, maybe you'll come up with something even better.

A kid doesn't have to think his/her parents love his/her siblings more than him/her, to claim it. If the kid can get the parent on the defensive, s/he might get some extra attention (which, ironically, might make the kid wonder if it is true, if you overcompensate on his/her behalf).

"Danny's parents let him . . .", is just another ploy to see how you'll react, and maybe loosen you up for a future request. There's nothing wrong with that. (And it isn't bad for you to mention what Danny's parents also don't do.) That's reassuring to your child. The same is true when the child complains "All the kids . . ." do so and so. Your child intuitively knows that if s/he can get you thinking about other kids' freedoms, you just might be more pliable for a future request.

"All the other kids bring their lunches in brown bags" reminds you that the child does have a separate world at school you must be sensitive to. I'll never forget the fear of perhaps having to wear a pair of shoes to third grade that my dad thought I should wear. You must respect the myriad of pressures of that other world on your child.

"That's not fair"; "How come you . . .?"; are legitimate kid questions about your consistency. Maybe your child is right and you aren't being fair and you shouldn't be doing something you won't let your child do. But don't be consistent at the expense of doing what's right. As mentioned earlier: "A foolish consistency is the hobglobin of little minds." And don't ever think that because your child should have all the dignity of any other human being that s/he's yet mature enough for all the privileges of adults.

"Look at me" (fill in the blank: "dance; jump; sing; perform") does not mean your child lacks sufficient attention. Most people like attention and you need to be clear with your child that sometimes you'll give him/her your undivided attention; sometimes your divided attention; and sometimes you need to be left alone. So when your child asks for "just one more" you have to know if this is one of the times you will do it one more time, or insist you have your own needs

C. Kids must test the balance of power between parent and child. This is, of course, the most worrisome agenda item. James Dobson has written an important book, Dare to Discipline. It is exceedingly difficult for me to imagine not disciplining. Not disciplining is incredibly more difficult than disciplining. Out of control kids would simply have to drive you crazy. Every child must test the limits to know what the limits are. The following I have observed as four of the most important games or tests.

1.. "How far must I escalate this battle so I can get in trouble and start over?"

For me, learning this one was almost like learning magic. Occasionally my daughter would seemingly deliberately push my patience beyond reason; I'd get exceedingly displeased, chastize her severely, send her to her room; and then feel terrible about having let a small child "get to me" like that. She'd go to her room. And a short time later it would be like the incident had never occurred, except that now she was congenial and once again pleasant to be with. I finally came to realize that there are times when she will be impossible because she knows she needs to be shaken out of it so she can regroup and start over.

2. (Throwing a tantrum)

Young children literally throw tantrums to see if they can get their way. I was so amused by my daughter's the first time, I also threw myself on the floor and kicked and screamed. I just couldn't take her seriously and after three or four, neither could my daughter. I've no idea if this will work for anyone else.

3. "Now I've done it; what are you going to do about it?"

This is the toughest because when a kid deliberately and conspicuously challenges your authority s/he is usually telling you "I've been awful and I need to be set down." Swift and fair sanctions need to be applied. But sometimes this same action by the child is because the child is extremely tired and perhaps confused. In the rare times we have a major infraction, we try to take quick stock of whether we, or school, or friends have been expecting far too much of her lately. If we think it's excessive expectations, and that what we are really hearing is "I'm really tired and I need to be hugged" we give the hugs, wipe away the tears that follow, and try to understand.

4. "What happens if I ask Mom and Dad separately?"

If a child is going to necessarily test the limits to find out what they are, and maybe extend them a bit, there's scarcely a better way of doing both than to put Mom and Dad at odds. In doing so, Mom and Dad do the child's arguing, define the limits, and perhaps extend them away from the more conservative parents stance. It's understandable the child should try to do this. Don't permit it.

I've been accused of being pessimistic and cynical about kids. I deny the charge. I can scarcely believe how many adults have forgotten what it was like to be a kid. Kids are going to 1) clarify your limitations, priorities, expectations and test your consistency; 2) protect their self interests; 3) test the balance of power between parent and child. It's necessary for kids growing up to do those things. You were once a kid and you should know that. Now, as a parent you will find, then, that having fair standards and having relatively consistent, firm discipline will prove your love to your child. And although they will continue to play new variations of the games as they grow and mature, they will respect and love you.

Home and Parenting Ministries Pages