And unto one he gave a five-year scholarship to UCLA, to another a two--year scholarship, and to another a one--year scholarship; to every man according to his several ability; and straight forward took his journey.
22. Joe. At the risk of irreverence I like to take a modern perspective on Bible characters. One of my favorite, if controversial, lessons is from the modern point of lies about Joseph. I started:
Good morning. I have asked to come before you to ask your help. Have you ever had one of those days? I'm afraid it's been one of those months. My name is Joe David. I'm not sure why I have two first names, but I'm told my last name is a name I can be proud of.
You can't tell it by all the stuff that's happened to me. Everything has gone so badly it's almost embarrassing to talk about it.
Things were going pretty well until I met Mary. Solomon warned me in Proverbs it was better to live in a corner of the attic alone than in a mansion with a contentious woman. Actually my wife isn't contentious, it just seems that way . . . .
23. Disfellowship. In this parable I make a case for disfellowshipping Jesus without naming Him. I start:
It is a very solemn occasion for me today. I don't like to preach this kind of sermon, but apparently a person of very questionable reputation has been associated with this congregation. I feel that it is my Christian obligation to bring this to your attention . . . .
I proceed to make innuendo with regard to his turning water into wine, associating with prostitutes, tax collectors, Samaritans, stirring up the crowds; violating laws like picking corn on the Sabbath and casting out the money changers; and assertions of deity.
24. Press Conference. A good treatment of Romans is to treat it like the record of a press conference. The book seems to be organized according to questions that elicit still other questions. You can break up the letter according to topics and anticipate the unstated question that led to Paul's next topic. Then write the questions down for someone in the audience to ask, and do Romans as a press conference.
25. The Sermon Without the Mount. Jesus didn't climb up into a pulpit to preach the Sermon on the Mount. The record shows he was seated to deliver that powerful sermon. The entire sermon can be read to the congregation from a seat in one of the pews in under 20 minutes.
26. Procrastination. My most notorious sermon was the one on procrastination. I asked my congregation to nod their heads if they needed a sermon on procrastinating the doing of God's will. They all nodded their heads. I indicated I'd try to get around to doing one soon.
27. The Theatre. "A parable for our times," I begin. I then read an exceptional study on the conversion accounts of Paul in the New Testament. The paper gives a very technical explanation of the possible reasons for ap- parent "discrepancies" among the stories. (Did everyone see the light? Was he standing or fallen? Etc.) You could choose your own technical study of scriptures. The lesson, however, is II Timothy 2:15-16. Study to show thyself approved unto God . . . [ but] . . . avoid godless and foolish discussions. I would never deemphasize the scholarship, but it must be kept in perspective. So often our doctrinal debates fall into the category of foolish discussion that never promotes unity.
28. A Weighty Matter. This is really an extended object lesson. The object is a set of weights. I did this lesson at another congregation and had the benefit of having my very strong 6'6" brother-in-law with me. I handed the weight bar to the minister and asked him how it felt. Then I added a couple of light weights. Then I started adding the weights only on one end. After awhile he could only barely manage the weights and was about to drop them. I then indicated I was a counselor and could help him organize his "burdens" better. By taking weights off the heavy end and putting them on the light end, we distributed the weights so he was easily able to hold it once again. But then we added more weights. As he strained to hold them, I asked if he needed help. He indicated he did. I helped, but then it got tough for both of us, even though we were sharing the burden. My brother-in-law stepped in beside us and helped us hold the weights. Counselors can help us sort out and manage some of our burdens. Brothers and sisters can help carry them. But only the strength of Jesus makes it possible to continue to bear our burdens.
29. Gifts. At Christmas I wrap symbolic gifts to give to representative members of the congregation. I wrap a loaf of bread and give it to the mother with the most children and read, or have her read, John 6:31-35, which describes Jesus as the bread of life. I wrap a bottle of water and give it to the person in charge of benevolence and read John 4:13-14, which describes Jesus as the water of life. I wrap a vine and read John 15:5, in which Jesus says he is the light. I wrap a fig and read Matthew 24:32, 33, and 44, which reminds us the Son of Man cometh. I wrap a Bible and read John 1:1, 2, and 14, which reminds us Jesus is the Word.
30. Knowledge or Faith? The idea for this parabolic lesson began with the quotation I use at the end of the lesson. In a book by James Michael Lee, The Flow of Religious Instruction, I read:
Johnstone found that those youths who attended the (Christian) schools scored higher in a test on certain kinds of Biblical knowledge and doctrinal understanding than did those youths who attended public schools. But the investigators also discovered that there appeared to be no significant differences between the broadly-based Christian lifestyle of the two groups.
The acquisition by the learner of cognitive religious outcomes does not of itself imply transfer to other aspects of his behavioral pattern or to the broad sweep of his lifestyle taken as a whole.
To present this point to my audience I would open by reading Galatians 5:22-23a: "But the Spirit produces love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, humility, and self control." Then I would pick someone with a great sense of humor that everyone in the audience knew well to come to the front to take a quiz. The quiz has nine questions, one for each gift of the Spirit (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, humility, and self--control). It's essential that the test taker not get a chance to answer any of the questions correctly. Most of the questions are either too esoteric or too complicated to answer quickly, but if it looks like the person has the answer, "buzz" that time is up. This test is not meant to be fair--rather to contrast Biblical knowledge with Biblical ideals. (I will use names to sketch how the quiz progresses.)
Question #1. Before we start, John, would you please stand up and remain standing. Thank you. Now Darryl, recite John 3:16. Wrong! But you know Darryl, it's not just that you don't know the verse, I don't think you know what it means. Bob (prearranged), show Darryl how you communicate love. (Bob hugs Darryl.)
Question #2. Is the phrase "joy to the world" anywhere in the Bible? Bzzz! Come on Darryl, the rock group Three Dog Night wrote "Joy to the World." But what you really need is to evidence joy. Joe (prearranged) will you lead us in a song of joy? ("Sing and Be Happy" is my favorite here.)
Question #3. Darryl, it is pretty well known that to defeat the Amalekites (Exodus 17:10-12) Moses had to keep his arms raised or the Israelites would lose. Who held up his arms? Wrong! Darryl, how could you not know it was Aaron and Hur? Darryl, do you think St. Peter's going to let you in the gates with this kind of performance?
Question #4. Darryl, who in the Old Testament is synonymous with "patience"? Wrong! The answer is Job. You know Darryl, I was about to lose my patience with you until I noticed John still standing there pa- tiently. Thank you for that lesson, John. John, you can sit down now.
Question #5. Darryl, in a sentence explain the differences in the Catholic and Protestant doctrine of the Trinity. Bzzz! Time's up. How can you know anything about the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, Darryl, without understanding kindness. (My favorite kid comes to me to be held in my arms. I hand the kid to Darryl to hold.) Are you getting the point, Darryl?
Question #6. Darryl, now briefly explain the difference amongst con- substantiation, tran-substantiation, and symbols as understandings of communion. Bzzz! Incomplete. It's whether you believe the bread and wine are Jesus, become Jesus as you partake, or represent the body and blood of Jesus. But how can you understand communion without understanding goodness? (Then give a $1 to one of the Church leaders to do something good with it.)
Question #7. Darryl, how many cubits high was the ark? Bzzz! You don't even do very well at math, do you Darryl? The answer is 30. Don't you think you should know that? Do you realize how faithful Noah was to build an ark that big when it wasn't even raining yet? (Then call atten- tion to someone who has been particularly faithful in a particular work, a work which deserves both recognition and advertisement.)
Question #8. Darryl, who in the Bible described himself as the most humble man in the world? Bzzz! It was Moses. That sounds kind of like bragging, huh? But Moses said it. I don't think God wants false humility. (Prearranged, ask someone to stand and give a very brief, but honest, self-- assessment of something they do well.)
Question #9. OK, Darryl. This is your last chance to answer a question correctly. Are you ready? Darryl, which ear of the High Priest's slave did Peter cut off in Gethsemane? (If he answers "right," congratu- late him. If he answers "left," commiserate with him. If you need to encourage an answer, remind him he has a 50-50 chance.) (Then start pushing your Darryl by poking an index finger in his chest and saying over and over again, "you didn't get this very well, did you Darryl?) After you've obviously pushed him around, ask, "so what's the point of this lesson?" and Darryl answers, "self--control."
You conclude by reading the quote from the book by Lee included above, and then by saying it's not that you don't consider knowledge extremely important, rather that you wanted to emphasize even knowledge should lead to the Christian virtues read about in Galatians: love, joy, peace, pa- tience, kindness, goodness, faith-fulness, humility, self--control.
31. The Intersection. Although orthodox speech courses tell you to stay still and behind your podium, I strongly prefer to walk around. The two most exciting speakers I ever heard and saw walked around extensively. Professor Donald Loftsgordon was mesmerizing as he paced from one end of the front of the class to the other end. Preacher Juan Chavez was in immediate contact with his audience as he walked amongst his audience. The sermon relies on the freedom to walk; and it relies on the "Lord's Table" to be at the center of the speaking area.
For this parabolic sermon, I start at one far side of the front and begin telling my own anecdotal biography of stories like crawling out of my backyard as a near-three-year-old following a rooster, and getting lost; falling out of a grocery cart and landing on my head; skipping first grade. This part should last only about five minutes and include your most "human" stories. During this five minutes the speaker should be slowly moving toward the middle of the speaking area so that, coinciden- tally, at the time the speaker gets to the time in his life when he became a Christian or decided to be a minister, he just "happens" to be at the Lord's Table.
Then in the next four or five minutes, the speaker continues in the same direction summarizing the rest of his life until ending at the other end of the speaking area with the present.
At this point the speaker switches gears and begins about a five-minute synopsis of the Old Testament and between-Testament history. I'll usually mention: the creation; Adam and Eve; Noah; Abraham leaving Ur; his wife Sarah being buried in Israel; Isaac; Jacob; Joseph and the move to Egypt; Moses and the move back; the judges like Samson; the Kings, including Saul, David, Solomon; the split Kingdom and the prophets; the time between testaments and the Maccabean revolt. Believe it or not, you can give this thumbnail sketch in less than five minutes. You should get to the story of Jesus just at the time you arrive back at the Lord's Table.
Then, in the next four or five minutes, you continue to summarize history including Pentecost, Peter and Paul, Constantine and the Church at Rome; the Middle Ages; the Reformation in the 1500s; and recent Church history until arriving at the other end of the speaking area (where you originally began) with the present. The speaker then asks, "So what is this all about?"
The speaker then walks directly behind the Lord's Table and offers the thought that for the Christian, history and personal history bisect, intersect at the life of Jesus. The turning point in history and in personal history are with Jesus. This is a good time to then have the communion service.