Darwin Awards for
Stupidity
This is lengthy, but you can
not believe what some people will do....do read
it, it is remarkable and true....and pathetic
Here it is buddies! Humor at
its basest!
They have finally been released! For those not familiar with the
Darwin Award - It's an annual honor given to the person who provided
the universal human gene pool the biggest service by getting killed in
the most extraordinarily stupid way. As always, competition this year
has been keen again. Some candidates appear to have trained their whole
lives for this event.
DARWIN AWARD CANDIDATES
1. In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned
in two feet of water after squeezing headfirst through an 18-inch-wide
sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.
2. In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally
zoned when he ran," according to his wife, accidentally jogged off a
200-foot-high cliff on his daily run.
3. Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had
dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beach goers said Daniel
Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun or protection from the wind and had been
sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it
collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach on
the outer banks used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way
to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA but could not reach him. It took
rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while
about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
4. In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA as he
fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burgling.
Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth
to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the
floor.
5. According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20,
was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who
was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak vest
Berrenam was wearing.
6. Sylvester Briddell, Jr, 26, was killed in February in
Selbyville, Del. as he won a bet with friends who said he would not
put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the
trigger.
7. In February, according to police in Windsor, Ont, Daniel Kolta,
27, and Randy Taylor, 33 died in a head-on collision thus earning a
tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.
8. In September, a 7-year-old boy fell off a 100-foot-high bluff near
Ozark, Ark , after he lost his grip swinging on a cross that marked
the spot where another person had fallen to his death in 1990.
DARWIN AWARD HONORABLE MENTIONS (SURVIVORS)
1) In Guthrie, Okla in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede
with a shot from his 22-caliber rifle but the bullet ricocheted off a
rock near the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the head,
fracturing his skull.
2) In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean
out cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a
propane torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second
floors of his house.
3) Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, NJ in
September and his wife Bonnie was also injured, by a quarter-stick of
dynamite that blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 AM, the
bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to
see what could happen but they apparently failed to notice that the
window was closed.
4) Taking "Amateur Night" Too Far: In Betulia, Colombia, an annual
event in November includes five days of amateur bullfighting. At this
year's festival no bull was killed but dozens of matadors were
injured, one gored in the head and one Bobbittized. Said one
participant, "It's just one bull against [a town of] a thousand
Morons."
SOME MORE ALSO RANS
1) Four people were injured in a string of related bizarre accidents.
Sherry Moeller was admitted with a head wound caused by flying
masonry, Tim Vegas was diagnosed with a mild case of whiplash and
contusions on his chest, arms and face, Bryan Corcoran suffered torn gum
tissue. Klesick's first two fingers of her right hand had been
bitten off. Moeller had just dropped her husband off for his first
day of work and in addition to a good-bye kiss, she flashed her
breasts at him. "I'm still not sure why I did it," she said later.
"I
was really close to the car so I didn't think anyone would see.
Besides, it couldn't have been for more than two seconds." However,
cab driver Vegas did see and lost control of his cab, running over the
curb and into the corner of the Johnson Medical Building. Inside,
Klesick, a dental technician, was cleaning Corcoran's teeth. The crash
of the cab against the building made her jump, tearing Corcoran's gums
with a cleaning pick. In shock, he bit down, severing two fingers from
Klesick's hand. Moeller's wound was caused by a falling piece of the
medical building.
2) TAOS, NM -A woman went to a poison control center after eating
three birth - control vaginal inserts. Her English was so bad she had
to draw a picture describing how she believed she had poisoned
herself. A translator arrived shortly thereafter and confirmed
doctors' suspicions. Marie Valishnokov thought the inserts were some
kind of candy or gum, being unable to read the foil wrappers. After the
third one, she realized something was wrong when her throat and mouth
began to fill with a sour-tasting foam. She ran for the Poison Control
Center, only a few blocks away where doctors were able to flush the foam
from her mouth, throat and stomach with no ill effects.
3) La Grange, GA -Attorney Antonio Mendoza was released from a trauma
center after having a cell phone removed from his rectum. "My dog drags
the thing all over the house," he said later. "He must have
dragged it into the shower. I slipped on the tile, tripped against the
dog and sat down right on the thing". The extraction took more than
three hours due to the fact that the cover to Mr Mendoza's phone had
opened during insertion. "He was a real trouper during the entire
episode," said Dr Dennis Crobe. "Tony just cracked jokes and really
seemed to be enjoying himself. Three times during the extraction his
phone rang and each time, he made jokes about it that, just had us
rolling on the floor. By the time we finished, we really did expect
to find an answering machine in there".
4) TACOMA, WA -Kerry Bingham, had been drinking with several friends
when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the
Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew
more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge
at 4:30 am. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered
that no one had brought bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued
drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay
nearby. One end of the cable was secured round Bingham's leg and the
other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the
cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously
survived his fall into the icy river water and was rescued by two nearby
fishermen. "All I can say," said Bingham,
"is that God was watching out for me on that night. There's just no
other explanation for it." Bingham's foot was never located.
HVAC Darwin Award
There are many transmission lines that crisscross Connecticut. These
are held up by transmission towers of various constructions. Those most
commonly installed near urban areas are called "metal ornamental towers"
(supposedly prettier than wood towers). Sometimes adventurous climb the
towers in order to enjoy the view and the night air. Most stay away from
the wires, and when they get bored, come back down.
Apparently, a man who was forlorn after a recent spat with his
girlfriend needed some fresh air to clear his head and decided to
climb a tower. He stopped for a 6 pack to help clear his thoughts,
went to a tower south of Hartford, next to I-91, and climbed it.
Public Service employees later pieced the story together. The man sat
there 60 feet above the highway, drank his beer and consoled his
bruised ego. After 5 beers, he needed to do what people often need to
do after 5 beers. It being such a long hike down, he unzipped and did
his business right there off the tower. Electricity is a funny thing.
One doesn't need to touch a wire in order to get shocked. Depending on
conditions,115,000 volt lines, like those supported by the tower, could
shock a person as far away as 6 feet. When the man "whizzed" near the
conductor (wire), the power arced to his stream (urine is an excellent
conductor of electricity), traveled up to his private parts and blew him
off the tower. The guys at the power company noted a momentary outage
on this line and sent repairmen to see if there was any damage. When
they got to the scene of the accident, they found a very dead per what
was left of his private parts smoking and a single beer left on top of
the tower.
(HVAC normally refers to heating, ventilation and air conditioning but
in this case refers to high-voltage arc castration.)
-------------------------------------------
The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the
class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women
how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give
the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.
The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you.
Walking is especially beneficial. And, Gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt
you to take the time to go walking with your partner.!"
The room really got quiet.
Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
"Yes?" replied the teacher.
"Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
------------------------------------------
A blind man and his guide dog went into a department store to do some
shopping. All of a sudden, the man picked his dog up by the tail and
started swinging him around in circles.
A sales clerk who noticed this, rushed up to the man and said, "Sir!
Is there anything I can help you with?!"
To which the blind man replied, "No thanks, just looking around."
---------------------------------------
DARWIN AWARD CANDIDATES
1. In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned
in two feet of water after squeezing headfirst through an 18-inch-wide
sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.
2. In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally
zoned when he ran," according to his wife, accidentally jogged off a
200-foot-high cliff on his daily run.
3. Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had
dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beach goers said Daniel
Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun or protection from the wind and had been=
sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it
collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach on
the outer banks used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way
to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA but could not reach him. It took=
rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while
about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
4. In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA as he=
fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burgling.
Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth
to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the
floor.
5. According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20,=
was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who=
was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak vest
Berrenam was wearing.
6.=09Sylvester Briddell, Jr, 26, was killed in February in
Selbyville, Del. as he won a bet with friends who said he would not
put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the
trigger.
7. In February, according to police in Windsor, Ont, Daniel Kolta,
27, and Randy Taylor, 33 died in a head-on collision thus earning a
tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.
8. In September, a 7-year-old boy fell off a 100-foot-high bluff near
Ozark, Ark , after he lost his grip swinging on a cross that marked
the spot where another person had fallen to his death in 1990.
DARWIN AWARD HONORABLE MENTIONS (SURVIVORS)
1) In Guthrie, Okla in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede
with a shot from his 22-caliber rifle but the bullet ricocheted off a
rock near the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the head,
fracturing his skull.
2) In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean
out cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a
propane torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second
floors of his house.
3) Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, NJ in
September and his wife Bonnie was also injured, by a quarter-stick of
dynamite that blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 AM, the
bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to
see what could happen but they apparently failed to notice that the
window was closed.
4) Taking "Amateur Night" Too Far: In Betulia, Colombia, an annual
event in November includes five days of amateur bullfighting. At this
year's festival no bull was killed but dozens of matadors were
injured, one gored in the head and one Bobbittized. Said one
participant, "It's just one bull against [a town of] a thousand
Morons."
SOME MORE ALSO RANS
1) Four people were injured in a string of related bizarre accidents.
Sherry Moeller was admitted with a head wound caused by flying
masonry, Tim Vegas was diagnosed with a mild case of whiplash and
contusions on his chest, arms and face, Bryan Corcoran suffered torn gum=
tissue. Klesick's first two fingers of her right hand had been
bitten off. Moeller had just dropped her husband off for his first
day of work and in addition to a good-bye kiss, she flashed her
breasts at him. "I'm still not sure why I did it," she said later.
"I
was really close to the car so I didn't think anyone would see.
Besides, it couldn't have been for more than two seconds." However,
cab driver Vegas did see and lost control of his cab, running over the
curb and into the corner of the Johnson Medical Building. Inside,
Klesick, a dental technician, was cleaning Corcoran's teeth. The crash
of the cab against the building made her jump, tearing Corcoran's gums
with a cleaning pick. In shock, he bit down, severing two fingers from
Klesick's hand. Moeller's wound was caused by a falling piece of the
medical building.
2) TAOS, NM -A woman went to a poison control center after eating
three birth - control vaginal inserts. Her English was so bad she had
to draw a picture describing how she believed she had poisoned
herself. A translator arrived shortly thereafter and confirmed
doctors' suspicions. Marie Valishnokov thought the inserts were some
kind of candy or gum, being unable to read the foil wrappers. After the=
third one, she realized something was wrong when her throat and mouth
began to fill with a sour-tasting foam. She ran for the Poison Control
Center, only a few blocks away where doctors were able to flush the foam=
from her mouth, throat and stomach with no ill effects.
3) La Grange, GA -Attorney Antonio Mendoza was released from a trauma=
center after having a cell phone removed from his rectum. "My dog drags=
the thing all over the house," he said later. "He must have
dragged it into the shower. I slipped on the tile, tripped against the
dog and sat down right on the thing". The extraction took more than
three hours due to the fact that the cover to Mr Mendoza's phone had
opened during insertion. "He was a real trouper during the entire
episode," said Dr Dennis Crobe. "Tony just cracked jokes and really
seemed to be enjoying himself. Three times during the extraction his
phone rang and each time, he made jokes about it that, just had us
rolling on the floor. By the time we finished, we really did expect
to find an answering machine in there".
4) TACOMA, WA -Kerry Bingham, had been drinking with several friends
when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the
Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew
more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge
at 4:30 am. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered
that no one had brought bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued
drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay=
nearby. One end of the cable was secured round Bingham's leg and the
other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the
cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously
survived his fall into the icy river water and was rescued by two nearby=
fishermen. "All I can say," said Bingham,
"is that God was watching out for me on that night. There's just no
other explanation for it." Bingham's foot was never located.
HVAC Darwin Award
There are many transmission lines that crisscross Connecticut. These
are held up by transmission towers of various constructions. Those most
commonly installed near urban areas are called "metal ornamental towers"=
(supposedly prettier than wood towers). Sometimes adventurous climb the=
towers in order to enjoy the view and the night air. Most stay away from=
the wires, and when they get bored, come back down.
Apparently, a man who was forlorn after a recent spat with his
girlfriend needed some fresh air to clear his head and decided to
climb a tower. He stopped for a 6 pack to help clear his thoughts,
went to a tower south of Hartford, next to I-91, and climbed it.
Public Service employees later pieced the story together. The man sat=
there 60 feet above the highway, drank his beer and consoled his
bruised ego. After 5 beers, he needed to do what people often need to
do after 5 beers. It being such a long hike down, he unzipped and did
his business right there off the tower. Electricity is a funny thing.
One doesn't need to touch a wire in order to get shocked. Depending on=
conditions,115,000 volt lines, like those supported by the tower, could
shock a person as far away as 6 feet. When the man "whizzed" near the
conductor (wire), the power arced to his stream (urine is an excellent
conductor of electricity), traveled up to his private parts and blew him=
off the tower. The guys at the power company noted a momentary outage
on this line and sent repairmen to see if there was any damage. When
they got to the scene of the accident, they found a very dead per what
was left of his private parts smoking and a single beer left on top of
the tower.
(HVAC normally refers to heating, ventilation and air conditioning but
in this case refers to high-voltage arc castration.)
-------------------------------------------
The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the
class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women
how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give
the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.
The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you.
Walking is especially beneficial. And, Gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt
you to take the time to go walking with your partner.!"
The room really got quiet.
Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
"Yes?" replied the teacher.
"Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
------------------------------------------
A blind man and his guide dog went into a department store to do some
shopping. All of a sudden, the man picked his dog up by the tail and
started swinging him around in circles.
A sales clerk who noticed this, rushed up to the man and said, "Sir!
Is there anything I can help you with?!"
To which the blind man replied, "No thanks, just looking around."
---------------------------------------
...A guy goes into a restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at the
collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a
necktie to gain admission. So the guy goes out to his car and he
looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't
have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In
desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion
a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free.
He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks
him over for a few minutes and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you
can come in - just don't start anything."
...This mushroom walks into a bar and starts hitting on this woman...
She, of course, turns him down. Not willing, to give up, he
pleads with her... "C'mon lady, I'm a fun guy..."
...This horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hey, buddy,
why the long face...
...These two strings walk upto a bar... The first string walks in
and orders and the bartender throws him out and yells "I don't
serve strings in this bar... The other string ruffs himself up
on the street and curls up and orders... The bartender shouts,
Hey, didn't you hear what I told your buddy?" String says "Yeah."
Bartender says, "aren't you a string?"
String says, "No, I'm a frayed not..."
...This grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says
"Hey! We have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper replies
"Really? You have a drink named Steve?!"
...This baby seal walks into a bar and the bartender says,"What'll
ya have..." The seal says, "Anything but a Canadian Club...
...This skeleton walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a beer
and a mop..."
...A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a cold one. The
bartender gives it to him and says "that'll be $25." A minute
later making conversation the bartender says "We don't get
many gorillas round these parts" The gorilla replies
"I'm not surprised at those prices.."
...A man walked into a bar and sat down next to a man with a
dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?" he asked. "No." was
the reply. A few minutes later the dog took a huge chunk out
of his leg. "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" the
man said indignantly. "That's not my dog." was the answer...
...A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The
bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?"
asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"
...A three legged dog walks into a bar and says,
"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw..."
...A hamburger walks into a bar, and the bartenders says,
"I'm sorry, but we don't serve food here..."
...A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"
...A snake slithers into a bar and the bartender says, "I'm sorry
but I can't serve you." "Why not?" asks the snake. The bartender
says, "Because you can't hold your liquor..."
...Baby seal walks into a club... what a tragedy...
...Two peanuts walked into a bar, and one was a-salted...
...Two vampires walked into a bar and called for the bartender.
"I'll have a glass of blood," said one. "I'll have a glass
of plasma", said the other. "Okay," replied the bartender,
"that'll be one blood and one blood lite..."
...Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, a tub
of cottage chesse, says to them, "We don't serve your kind
in here." One of the yogurt cartons says back to him,
"Why not? We're cultured individuals."
...a man walked into a bar and sat down, ordered a beer. As he
sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say "nice tie!".
Looking around he noticed that the bar was empty except for
himself and the bartender at the end of the bar. A few sips
later the voice said "beautiful shirt". At this, the man
called the bartender over.,"Hey...i must be losing my mind,"
he told the bartender. "I keep hearing these voices saying
nice things, and there's not a soul in here but us."
"It's the peanuts" answered the bartender.
"Say what?"
"You heard me" said the barkeep."it's the peanuts...they're
complimentary."
Back to
Humor Page |