Darwin Awards

  AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months,
  saying he lacked "intellectual leadership". He received
  a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter
  who's lacking intelligence...

  ...With a Little Help from Our Friends!
  Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting
  to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside
  his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered
  that the man was standing beside them, shouting pleas to
  come out and give himself up...

  And What Was Plan B?
  An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a
  motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller
  machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money
  from his own bank accounts...

  ..And These Nitwits Are Teaching Our Children?!!
  A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day
  suspension under his elementary school's drug policy last
  week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that
  the mints would make him "jump higher." And a student in
  Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving
  a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann
  reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance" policy...not to be
  confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy...

  Some Days, It Just Doesn't Pay to Gnaw Through the
  Straps... Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a
  blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the
  homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is
  even worse than last year, " said the distraught homeowner, "when
  someone broke in and stole my new security system..."

  And for the Main Course...
  A man in Taormina, Italy was hospitalized after swallowing 46
  teaspoons, 2 cigarette lighters, and a pair of salad tongs.

  The Getaway
  A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked
  for all the Money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too
  small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself
  for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

  Do-It-Yourself Brain Surgery?!
  In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked
  into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his
  forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to
  help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen.
  Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch
  deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and
  had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.

 
  Have I Got a Deal for You!
  More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a spaceship badly
  enough to pay $10,000 apiece for the first tourist flight to Mars.
  According to the Italian police, the would-be space travelers were
  told to spend their "next vacation on Mars, amid the splendors of
  ruined temples and painted deserts. Ride a Martian camel from
  oasis to oasis and enjoy the incredible Martian sunsets. Explore
  mysterious canals and marvel at the views. Trips to the moon also
  available." Authorities believe that the con men running this scam
  made off with over six million dollars...

  Too Well-Educated
  In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed
his  college degree for his murder of three people. "There are too many
  business grads out there," he said. "If I had chosen another field,
  all this may not have happened..."

  Did I Say That?!
  Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect
  who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When
  detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words,
  "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's
  not what I said!"

  Ouch, That Smarts!
  A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye
  pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-
  Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his
  pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and
  jumping around," said police spokesman Mike Carey, "with an
explosion  taking place inside his pants." Police have the man's charred
  trousers in custody...

  Are We Not Communicating?
  A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and
her  contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first
child?"  the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted.
  "This is her husband!"

  Not the Sharpest Knife in the Drawer!
  In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold
up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a
  finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his
  hand in his pocket. Hmmm...wonder what he uses for a knife?

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